WRITING: The Hummingbird God

Just read Creative Writing student, Christopher’s short story “The Hummingbird God” on his blog. (Available at http://www.coonce-ewing.com/writing/hummingbird.htm ) . Since he is open to critique (a most admirable quality in a writer) I would like to set down a few thoughts, in the hope that input is helpful, and that if I am on the wrong track, creative argument will ensue.
The story is convincing in its other-worldly placement, and well planned towards its building up to a climax that includes a successfully executed twist. My thought however was that it ran a bit too much on single dialogue from the first person narrator, and could have been helped by “humanizing” it a bit by description of what the people in the room were doing, rather than the narrator’s perception of them, i.e. “Their eyes widened a bit as I said this to them. It must have been due to the awe they were feeling, standing in
the presence of a god,” or “I could see the gleam in their eyes, the interest they had in me.” This is almost a case of telling rather than showing, although done from the first person protagonist’s POV rather than the author’s. I realize that this perception is vital to the
idea of being inside the head of a madwoman, but it doesn’t reality-base the situation as well as Chris is capable of presenting it. I think a more warming and real description of the scene would be less sterile and more likely to draw the reader into the scenario. And, although I’m an anti-pc person because I believe it’s just a polite veil of b.s. in the guise of equality (please, no comments on this personal viewpoint, it is just needed explanation for my critique), I don’t like the reference to all the people by ethnicity. Example: “Do you know the gods we worship?” a man of Indian decent, who looked to be their leader asked?” A viable alternate might be, “A small,dark haired man had been watching me intently all this time in the silent appraisal of one who was used to assuming leadership. He finally spoke.” Unless I’m missing the point by the line, “I don’t care about your gender or ethnicity. I am blind to such things.” which is in direct contrast to the narrator’s mental evaluation of the others as written. Another example of show, don’t tell is “I looked at their faces and saw them trying to puzzle through what they had just been told.” Whereby describing their actual reactions, i.e., “Two of them stared at me, their brows knitted into a questioning and laughable arc of worry, three furiously scribbled on the clean white tablets in front of them.”

Related action seems to be limited to turning and smiling, and the increased use of describing what is going on would both add to the reader’s ability to picture the situation, thus increasing his personal involvement in the story, and eliminate the necessity of the single character dialogue as well as depending upon him for telling us what is happening. We would begin to trust this character sooner, thereby enhancing our surprise at the turn of events.

I hope this is helpful and in line with other readers’opinions. Never said I was an expert—I could be way off base and would welcome rebuttal both from Christopher and other readers, as I believe that “The Hummingbird God” is very much worth pursuing.