In yesterday’s post I said:
Then this evening saw a hawk swoop through the yard, dinner clutched dark and lifeless in his talons.
Rethinking that this morning (yes, editing is in my genes; I’m a prime example of coulda-woulda-shoulda), a more concise way of saying this would have been:
A hawk swoops through the yard carrying take-out.
Heh-heh-heh.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
Now you’ve got the hang of it!
My snark radar went off and i’ve come to see why. Take-out — haha!
I do think that refusing to edit and recast (which some people do) is like saying, “No, I don’t wanna write well.”
Your edit here is a prime example of what I mean. More concise and with more whammo! in the image.
I’m sinister, so this would have suited me also: “…dinner dark and lifeless in his clutch.”
Thanks, all. I think I’m heading to the dark side and the knifelike cut of clear metaphor is a trusty tool.