By Andrew McCuaig, third person pov, linear progression of story arc, tension builds with setting up of the storyworld–though admittedly this is what threw me off.
McCuaig sets up a situation of Elaine (protagonist) coming to work and finding Troy’s wallet. The storyworld is a "cramped booth" and the conflict is his intentional leaving of the wallet in order to "deliberately rub(bed) his body up against hers" in the small area.
I figured her for a waitress at an all-night diner based on what I’d read so far, but this confused the image. It is not until the third paragraph (out of a total of nine) that I realized this was a tollbooth she was working in. And that is about the only thing I wasn’t crazy about in this story. A reader must have a clear picture of the story environment, even in flash fiction, because he starts to form an image as he reads and it is very disconcerting to discover it to be all wrong and have to smash it down like it was made of Lego blocks and rebuild the storyworld and set your characters back into this new place. But then, maybe I wasn’t reading closely as I should have been. Or maybe I was just slow in catching on.
The introduction of the other characters, Troy as lecherous and Jose as the same but less aggressive, is foreshadowing for the climax which is the decision Elaine makes in giving the driver the cash from Troy’s wallet. All ends are tied up nicely when Jose adds to the tension of the moment by gesturing to her in concern as that adds to the reader’s concern.
The setting up of the storyworld, a lonely tollbooth on an empty highway (the counting of cars out of boredom is an additional detail of the setting), makes the sudden appearance of the major conflict hold more impact, even in its simplicity of statement: Elaine said, "Good Morning," and the woman said, "I need money." Perfect.
There is the imagery of the woman, blankstared and blood on her lip. But the children in the back seat make up the dramatic effect: Their eyes were wide and afraid. We realize by now that McCuaig has touched on several issues surrounding spousal abuse and sexual harassment. So the fact that Elaine gives the woman Troy’s money is vital to the theme.
The final sentence too is powerful and perhaps a metaphor: The older girl’s face, framed by the back window, receded into the darkness, her eyes like glowing stones.
Excellent read.
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