REALITY?: Empowerment

Right now I’m in the midst of a discussion with a good friend about the power of positive thinking.  I’m naturally taking the negative position.

In my personal experience, for me, negativity has gotten me a lot further in life–even in its mere acceptance policy and thus reduction of stress and general well-being.  Whenever I’ve been positive or confident about something, it’s fallen through regardless of attitude and frankly, the disappointment is a lot harder to overcome than when I’ve pretty much written something off as unlikely.  And too, when something has worked out unexpectedly, the delight is that much fuller. 

Now I’m not talking about appearance here; I believe without a doubt that presenting a positive and confident image will help tremendously–and for no less reason than the fact that most people believe in the power of positive thinking themselves so take it for granted that when they see someone present with such an air, that they are indeed successful go-getters and doers.  (A good percentage of these turn out, unfortunately, to merely be successful b.s.ers.)

While I understand that attitude is the first step, I’ve always found that effort is what makes for success and effort is motivationally minded.  For example, I personally try a lot harder when I am worried about failure.  I’m more cautious and focused and anxious to overcome my own doubts, therefore putting more into what I’m attempting than if I had approached a task with any sureness of success or false expectations.  I’ve gotten high academic grades only because I was so worried that I’d not do well.  Honest.

Just in the last few months I’ve found that the things I was most sure of and put a good amount of both know-how and a dash of chutzpah into, where I had reason to be most confident in my own abilities and open to the very real possibility of being successful in my endeavors, have fallen flat through with little ceremony.  And I fell a lot harder with the reality.

If the effort is entire, then any preconceptions are not going to change the outcome.  If I walk up to a locked door believing it will give way, I’ll likely get a smashed nose whereas if I suspect it may be locked, I’ll either find my suspicion confirmed or be pleasantly surprised if it’s not.

While I’m obviously not a wild success in life, the concept works for me–failure to thrive is due to lack of ambition rather than enthusiasm.  And I think that the key here is that what you believe works, will work.  That’s the important part, and if positivity does it for you, then go for it.

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LITERATURE: Glimmertrain Issue 52 – Layers and POV

It is very hard for me to critique one of the particular stories in this issue because for one thing, the timing is bad–just got one of my best stories ever rejected by Glimmertrain today; the story I’m commenting upon won the Open Fiction Award which means best over anything without restriction submitted to this contest at Glimmertrain; it’s offensive to many to criticize a story about people and their pets; and, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just living in a different dimension than the rest of the world and thus have no handle on what’s okay and what’s great in the literary market at all.

The story is The Death of Animals and it’s by R. Clifton Spargo who (surprise, surprise) also won Glimmertrain’s Award for New Writers three years prior (to this issue – Fall, 2004).  Again, I ask, what are the odds–out of thousands of stories, two by the same author?  But also again, it’s probably just sour grapes from me today.

The story is of a young woman who is grieving over the death of her dog.  The backstory is that the woman had been raped.  The tie-in is that the dog was born shortly after (a week, I think) though she didn’t take it in as  pet for a while later.

The good part of the story is the fresh approach: Third person pov and really, really, telling of the woman’s feelings for this animal.  The good and bad:  The third person narrator suddenly at the end of the story turns into first person, and we don’t know who it is or his/her relationship to the protagonist.  More good and bad:  The repetitive "my dog" stories are as annoying (for thirty pages) as any in-person pet lover’s would be and while that reiterates the desperation of the story, it also, as I said, is annoying.  Slightly cliche: the transference of the trauma of the rape and distrust of people to the love for an animal.  And this is made clear in case we didn’t see it ourselves by the revelation of this same theory voiced by other characters. 

Another good and bad:  The guilt she feels over the death of her pet and her questioning of herself in taking proper care of the animal is obviously metaphorically extended to her part in the rape–as victim is traditionally blamed by self or others. 

I’m not sure if this is a good replay of a relevant part of human nature and the response to trauma, or if it is just an overblown version.  On the one hand, it all just seems too obvious, and on the other, the layers are there.  But all in all, I do think that the story could have been much, much shortened–despite the possibility that this very fact of its length may indeed reflect the natural reaction in grief and in healing.

Like I said:  what do I know?

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LITERATURE: Ivan Denisovich – Story

This relates back perhaps to an earlier posting, but there’s a thread of story I’m following beneath the story of Ivan (Shukhov) and the routine of his day in this prison camp, regardless of the backstory information we get.

People are basically alike in their needs and their response to fulfilling those needs.  People adapt. They seek a certain level of comfort–not creature comfort, but rather comfort that in some way comes through compromise and attitude to allow them to survive, if survival is all they can hope for.

Shukhov stood there just as long as was decent for a man who had brought a bowl of kasha.  After all, Tsezar might offer him a smoke.  But Tsezar had quite forgotten his presence.

So Shukhov turned on his heel and went quickly out.  The cold is bearable, he decided.  The block-laying wouldn’t go too badly.  (p. 84)

After finagling a few extra bowls of oatmeal, Shukhov takes one for himself and has just delivered one to the squad leader, a prisoner of higher ranking.  There is a pecking order established, and the squad leader was sitting in an office talking art and literature with another man.  Shukhov notices immediately how warm the rooms are, how red the stove burns. 

One reaction to the better position of others is often resentment and envy.  Another, like Shukhov’s, is to convince yourself that  you have it pretty good yourself.  There are those below you who may suffer more; the captain, new to the camp and not knowing yet how to survive; the men who were not allowed near the stove to warm themselves until those of higher "ranking" or experience were ready to leave. 

Though compassion for their lesser fortunate has driven some to share, there is also a need to feel superior.  Why are we only secure, do we only feel magnanimous, when we are feeling at least partway up the ladder and see others standing on the ground.

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REALITY?: Waiting

Sitting here waiting.  For the dawn of what we’ve learned to call today, a step towards tomorrow.  For five more opportunities of yes or no that have the potential to open a gate–despite yesterday that brought one rejection.  Planning already the plots to be seeded again, to find fertile ground, to know how to water before, weary and facing the snowfall, I lay down the hoe.

Update:  Rejection #2 came through today, on a job.

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LITERATURE: Ivan Denisovich – POV

While the story is told in third person pov, with the protagonist Ivan Denisovich a.k.a. Shukhov, there is what seems like narrator intrusion but which Solzhenitsyn uses as a tool to bring the reader into the cold world of Ivan’s prison camp:

In a corner near the door an orderly sat lazing on a stool.  Beyond him, like a bent pole, stooped Shkuropatenko–B 219.  That fathead–staring out of the window, trying to see, even now, whether anyone was pinching some of his precious prefabs!  You didn’t spot us that time, you snoop!  (p. 83)

It is delicately done and while we’ve been watching over the shoulder of Ivan the whole time, it makes us wonder who the narrator is and if indeed he cannot help but comment on what he sees and what he is revealing to us. 

There is a slowly building world of the camp that mirrors the outside world.  Human nature, despite environment, remains, adapts itself to any situation to allow human dignity.  And part of that dignity or nature, I suppose, is in a need in establishing a social strata that adjusts to circumstance.

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WRITING: Genre Switch

Very interesting.  A couple comments on my spider posting have made me think about my roots in writing and its more evil tendencies.  My humble beginnings, aside from the required compositions on summer vacation, were based in horror.  Not fantastical horror, but the twisting of reality which has always, to me, been the most horrible and horrifying.  And, of course, the most viscerally satisfying to both read and write.

Perhaps I shall open the door to my dark side.  It’s been carefully triple-locked and bolted for so long.  Maybe that’s why my current writings have leaned toward cautious and less than dramatic (or it’s just a quirk that made me wannabe a literary marvel).  Let’s dust off the doors and oil the locks and hinges.

Crrrrreeeak…

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WRITING:

As I’ve mentioned before, stories come to me from the opening lines and pretty much unravel from there, staying for the most part intact through all the rewrites and edits.  But this time, trouble is brewing.

It’s just not quite right; not as good as it could be.  Even the second sentence doesn’t grab and settle as it should.  It is very long and that’s okay with me, but to get away with this it has to be really, really good, and though it looked that way yesterday, today it just looks long.

And there I sit.

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REALITY?: Morning Perception

The largest of the locals, a blue heron and the smallest, our hummingbird, at a point in my sight of morning where without the added third dimension, they are equal for once in size.

While on the bottom of the canvas of the white waking sky, baby clouds cluster to follow their mother along with the northeastern wind.

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WRITING: Oh the Joy!

Joy, that is, until the realization hits that if you love it that much–and I feel that way about a story I’ve just "finished," than you’ve simply become blind to its flaws. 

But oh, I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten as excited about a story as this one.  Or maybe I have and forgotten how the mental process works.  This is the third story I’ve started from scratch in just a couple weeks, and each one is better by far than anything I’ve written in the last few years.  I’m so tempted to submit it immediately, but I’ve not gotten that stupid yet.  I’ve stopped myself a couple times already today from submitting it even for critiqueing either online or for the next writers group meeting in September. 

What I should do, of course, is pretend to submit it; that’s when all the mistakes and miscalculations immediately reveal themselves to the horrified writer.  Then at least I’d be able to move, humble and productive, on to Draft #2.

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WRITING & STORIES: The Only One True Secret to a Happy Life

Oh, what a fool he must look!  One of those sad empty-eyed old men dressed in colorless wool jackets and jeans that slept in the stations at night and shuffled and mumbled their way up and down the passageways all day, noticing and taking, rather than looking for, something to eat or a left-behind mitten or cap.

This is towards the end of the new story I’ve been working on for the past couple days and I’m hoping to tie it all in to a neat little climax that will in effect be a resolution and ending as well.  I have been able to follow a linear structure with just a few character revealing backstory episodes and still let the natural rhythm of voice conduct the piece.  This, while keeping a secret that weaves through the story that for once in my writing I’ve known about before it’s spilled onto print all by itself.

Or so I hope I have.

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LITERATURE: S/Z – Deep Reading

As opposed to my slowly waning inclination to tell Barthes to cut the crap, read for enjoyment and meaning instead of ruining a simple story through dissection.

Haven’t quite felt comfortable yet with the theory to argue it one way or another so I’m reading further into the book before I comment.  I did enjoy Sarrasine and Barthes hasn’t ruined it for me, but I am struggling a bit with his symbols and reasoning so that I cannot as yet smoothly and readily apply it to the story by Honore de Balzac.  Given unlimited rights as a reader by the gist of the theory, I’m making a list with notes on the points made since I’m not concentrating all my attention on this one book alone right now and tend to lose the trail of thought in between readings.  This is where more structured learning assists the comprehension and study. 

I should be back soon with some more confident perception and comments.

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LITERATURE: Ivan Denisovich – Metaphor

The column passed the wood-processing factory, built by prison labor, the workers’ settlement (the huts had been assembled by prisoners too, but the inhabitants were civilians), the new club (convict-built in entirety, from the foundations to the mural decorations–but it wasn’t they who saw the films there), and then moved out into the steppe, straight into the wind heading for the reddening dawn.  Bare white snow stretched to the horizon, to the left, to the right, and not a single tree could be seen on the whole expanse of steppe.  (p. 48)

Yes, surely an accurate image of the labor camp environment; bitter cold as the prisoners troop out into the work day.  But the imagery may represent as well the moral and mental circumstance above the physical.  These are Stalin’s political prisoners, most in there for no good reason and for indeterminate (regardless of imposed sentence) time.  Both stretch out beyond their reach like the snow-covered land.  What good they put into the environment will never by reaped by them.  And no hope; not even a single tree.

I see them living in a parallel world that may represent what they’ve lost.  The snow, though a natural part of these worlds is a separation made of innocence; a blankness that reveals that no matter what they did or didn’t do, they had no way of knowing or saving themselves.

I’m currently further along in the book, coming to a part that seems to explain Ivan’s (Shukhov’s) own reason for becoming a part of this lost world of prisoners.

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REALITY?: A Natural Technological Occurrence

Well, I’ve been just plain bummed out lately about life in general and have desperately tried to maintain whatever positive attitude I had formed when I’ve let others convince me that my negative attitude was doing me in.  So I’ve not said much here since I just didn’t feel like talking.

However, something exciting just happened, so allow me to share:

A spider that I brushed off my head (didn’t know it was one, otherwise my screams alone would have scared it away) landed on my laptop, and before I could get him off that, he started to descend into the inner sanctum by scrunching under the Alt key.  Terror forgotten, I grabbed at him to keep him from getting inside and, well, ended up with a back leg in my grip.  That’s all, just a single back leg.

While he might have made it out again on his own as soon as he realized he didn’t want to get fried, now he likely can’t climb.

Or else, he’ll live inside there and get zapped by the weird waves and emissions and maybe mutate and grow so big that he’ll explode the computer in about three days.

Exciting, huh?

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EDUCATION: Continuing

Three times I talked to her today; Nancy, my best friend who has just moved to New Hampshire from Massachusetts and between the telephone and e-mail, we’ve kept in near-daily contact through decades and many moves and many, many changes.

She understands the stress I’m feeling, and understands the need for getting out from under it.  She too had gone back to college after many years and though I spoke of needing now a cabin in the woods she told me it was likely just the opposite I needed; to get back in with people, that I seemed happiest in the years I took in getting a degree.  It’s different for the younger student, anxious to leave school behind and jump into the world that it has prepared them for, while I am working backwards; jaded by the world and need return to learning as if to reincarnate. 

What for? I asked.  It’s really much too late to do me any good to take it further.  For self-esteem and focus, she said.  It will get my mind off other things (she knows my obsessive nature).  She understood the separation pangs that left me working in my shop with mostly only Willie’s voice for company and the occasional interaction with a customer that has me hungrily jabbering as they try to leave. 

Graphics, I think.  Something that I could use and something I know I’m trying to teach myself anyway.  And I think that if I don’t sign up at the same college this semester I’ll lose my student status and have to readmit.  While at the university I couldn’t take just a class or two and have no time or inclination now to take it on full time.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll take the plunge.  Or maybe not.

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WRITING: Form of Planning

It’s happening today–the same as once before where the story is all laid out for me, coming from the opening line but having a beginning, a middle and an end and I know what all that is.

I can’t write fast enough.  The prose that usually rolls right out without direction isn’t quite as easy in the mapping.  Knowing story, and yet not knowing how to tell it, what words to use, what structure to build up from all the different scenes and spaces; this is a foreign way to work for me.  Alien to my nature of just opening my mouth and letting it all out in its own strange language.

Had to write notes to remember where I am going; a short story diagram, or the cover to the puzzle box where all the pieces are laid out.Will I lose interest in this new method of pondering each and picking out the blues to make the sky? 

I do feel lost; not having paid attention in the writing classes because it wasn’t what I’d ever felt and known to be.  Like scribbling down just anything that I could force up to the surface instead of knowing first and scrambling for the keyboard. 

I’m not sure where to go from here; what am I supposed to do next to get the story moving?

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