WRITING: Voice

It really bothers me that I’ve been told many times that I do not have a voice in my writings. Is it possible that the voice of my stories—cold and flat—is the truth, and the voice I exercise in reality is not? Damn that teenage resolution of stoicism, which at the time I misinterpreted anyway. Strange how one can screw up one’s life based on whim. Stranger still that one can intelligently be aware of it the whole time, and yet do nothing to recover.

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STORIES: A Seasonal Life

I have not finished this as yet, and I know that I’m really only a page or two away from the end. This statement bothers me; I have been so resistant of writing guidelines that measure a story or novel in number of words, yet even I am down to counting pages rather than plot. Have had a bit too much on my mind I think, or perhaps I’ve lost the flow and must wait for the next tsunami of inspiration. Also am anxious to get back to one of the others I’ve started here.

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WRITING: Drugs and the Creative Force

Perhaps the nicotine has not yet accumulated enough to inspire the wild writings I expect from it. Could be a counter effect from all the Sour Neon Worms I’ve eaten as substitute oral satisfaction. Or perhaps because I cannot be fully trusted and have cheated with a cigarette here and there I have in turn been cheated of the effect. Maybe I was an addict of something worse in a prior life, and this is but one more I will have to live through to get “clean.” Or maybe I’m just too mean and cranky to share any feelings with anyone, even Spinning.

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LITERATURE: Watchmen

Strange how old habits return. Reading Watchmen feels familiar to me now. I stop and wonder if I haven’t read it before, knowing full well I haven’t. But the characters, the text balloons, the grimaces, the prevalence of red and blue, overemphasization of visual emotion, the perfect bodies of the women and men in their square-jawed prime, the softly rounded forms of the middle-aged; it all becomes so normal that when you switch back to regular text at chapter’s end it is like being rudely interrupted. I am trying hard to remember what comic books I read as a kid, and there were a few I enjoyed following, although I am not reneging on my former statement that comic books were never a big thing with me. But I cannot remember reading Superman or Spiderman. I do relate some of the visuals with Saturday morning cartoons. But cartoons like these weren’t really around when I was a kid; it was still the Roadrunner or Betty Boop. Or is familiarity just so quickly set in…from Watchmen, Chapter I…

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TECHNOLOGY: And Writing

Not all technology is good. It is impossible to seize the moment of inspiration and run from the bathroom sink to the computer and start typing with a battery-powered toothbrush held in your mouth.

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WRITING: The Cure for Writer’s Block

Okay, get ready for some hot and heavy writing in the next few weeks. I have just slapped on the Nicoderm patch, and have found from a previous attempt that while it is not always successful in halting bad habits, it is extremely successful in two other ways: 1) Adding a large dollop of crankiness to one’s menu of personality, and 2) producing a constant 24-hour stream of creativity via the same constant release of nicotine into the body that penetrates the soul.

And yes, another good side effect: I can with reasonable conscience visit one of my closest friends just diagnosed yesterday with lung cancer. Would that I could, I would trade places with her. Since I cannot, I can at the very least, save my own husband from the torment that her’s is now going through.

What better time to stop.

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BLOGGING: Technologically Slow

Why am I left to find everything out for myself? For goodness’ sake, I do remember letting you all know that I’m not some college chickie that has potentially seventy years more to learn these things, so I can use all the help in quick tips and advice I can get. The faster I learn, the smarter I’ll be when I die, so someday, when someone is walking in those woods and happens upon a rock named “Susan” they will at least be stopping a moment to ponder the gravestone of an intelligent woman.

Curiousity led me to figure out how everyone else was able to type a name like this, Mystery Spot, and have it act as a link. Well now I finally know because I tried it and it works. So there.

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EDGAR AND I: A Breakthrough!

Oh Joy! Digging up The Raven! Have pulled the following information off of Dennis Jerz’s Literacy Weblog, and am planning on spending some time delving into the poem that beats as steadily as my heart (the Telltale Heart, of course!). If I have gained nothing more in my quest for education than a crummy 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper with a gold seal which I, as a custom picture framer, can make look simply wonderful, it is the ability and inspiration to delve deeper into things–all things, even things I’ve known for years:

Knowing Poe [Annotated Version of ‘The Raven’] (Maryland Public Television)
http://knowingpoe.thinkport.org/writer/annotated.aspEdgar Allan Poe’s most popular poem, “The Raven,” tells the story of a man who gets a late-night visit from a mysterious bird that speaks only one word: “Nevermore.” | Sounds like a pretty simple story, right? | Guess again!

[Once upon a Tuesday weary, while I pondered, bleak and bleary,
Over many a quaint and curious entry of unblogged lore–
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my office door.
“‘Tis some advisee,” I muttered, “tapping at my office door–
Only this and nothing more.”

…Quoth my keyboard, “Blog some more!” –DGJ]

I can always depend upon your weblog to come up with something to stir me to research. Love Poe and have a brick from a house in which he briefly resided and an Edgar doll purchased through the EAP museum website overlooking me constantly as I write. Unfortunately, I learned much of “The Raven” phonetically for recitation, and much like the Polish songs I can still sing from grade school, I never understood what I was speaking or singing! I have bookmarked the website mentioned, and copied your blog entry to my own in the name of research. Thank you, sir!

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LITERATURE: The Stone

We wouldn’t know each other at all if you didn’t at least know that The Stone by Gibson is one of my all time favorites (Edgar adds, “Second to The Raven, of course…” and I must agree–hell, he’s sitting above my head with a brick handy). I also can still recite Abou Ben Adem almost all the way through after forty years. But this one has stuck in my mind just as long:

The Stone
Wilfrid Wilson Gibson. 1878–

“And will you cut a stone for him,
To set above his head?
And will you cut a stone for him—
A stone for him?” she said.

Three days before, a splintered rock 5
Had struck her lover dead—
Had struck him in the quarry dead,
Where, careless of the warning call,
He loitered, while the shot was fired—
A lively stripling, brave and tall, 10
And sure of all his heart desired…
A flash, a shock,
A rumbling fall…
And, broken ‘neath the broken rock,
A lifeless heap, with face of clay; 15
And still as any stone he lay,
With eyes that saw the end of all.

I went to break the news to her;
And I could hear my own heart beat
With dread of what my lips might say 20
But, some poor fool had sped before;
And flinging wide her father’s door,
Had blurted out the news to her,
Had struck her lover dead for her,
Had struck the girl’s heart dead in her, 25
Had struck life, lifeless, at a word,
And dropped it at her feet:
Then hurried on his witless way,
Scarce knowing she had heard.

And when I came, she stood, alone 30
A woman, turned to stone:
And, though no word at all she said,
I knew that all was known.

Because her heart was dead,
She did not sigh nor moan, 35
His mother wept:
She could not weep.
Her lover slept:
She could not sleep.
Three days, three nights, 40
She did not stir:
Three days, three nights,
Were one to her,
Who never closed her eyes
From sunset to sunrise, 45
From dawn to evenfall:
Her tearless, staring eyes,
That seeing naught, saw all.

The fourth night when I came from work,
I found her at my door. 50
“And will you cut a stone for him?”
She said: and spoke no more:
But followed me, as I went in,
And sank upon a chair;
And fixed her grey eyes on my face, 55
With still, unseeing stare.
And, as she waited patiently,
I could not bear to feel
Those still, grey eyes that followed me,
Those eyes that plucked the heart from me, 60
Those eyes that sucked the breath from me
And curdled the warm blood in me,
Those eyes that cut me to the bone,
And pierced my marrow like cold steel.

And so I rose, and sought a stone; 65
And cut it, smooth and square:
And, as I worked, she sat and watched,
Beside me, in her chair.
Night after night, by candlelight,
I cut her lover’s name: 70
Night after night, so still and white,
And like a ghost she came;
And sat beside me in her chair;
And watched with eyes aflame.

She eyed each stroke; 75
And hardly stirred:
She never spoke
A single word:
And not a sound or murmur broke
The quiet, save the mallet-stroke. 80

With still eyes ever on my hands,
With eyes that seemed to burn my hands,
My wincing, overwearied hands,
She watched, with bloodless lips apart,
And silent, indrawn breath: 85
And every stroke my chisel cut,
Death cut still deeper in her heart:
The two of us were chiselling,
Together, I and death.

And when at length the job was done, 90
And I had laid the mallet by,
As if, at last, her peace were won,
She breathed his name; and, with a sigh,
Passed slowly through the open door:
And never crossed my threshold more. 95

Next night I laboured late, alone,
To cut her name upon the stone.

CREDIT: http://www.bartleby.com/103/95.html

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LITERATURE: Graphic Novel

Well, today is a good day. I am learning how to read comic books. I am, of course, referring to the aforementioned Watchmen which up until 11:30 sucked big time, but after which doesn’t suck quite so badly. I must learn to take the necessary time to learn new things (new, that is, as adult reading vs. the comic books of my childhood). Interactive Fiction was more exciting, even through the frustration, because you were actively inputting and trying new things in order to progress, instead of having to go back just to understand what was going on. I still don’t foresee my loving the format, but am more willing to understand and appreciate it.

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LITERATURE: Lyrics

I find background music while you’re working to be very inspirational. Have been under the influence of the folk music of the 70s lately (after several years of Waylon, Willie and Emmy Lou). These words from Bob Dylan keep coming back at me today: “Ah, but I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.”

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PEOPLE: Personal Understanding

Perhaps it is because Mondays are getting more and more depressing as my visits with my dad become harbingers of a future without him. He is not quite as mentally sharp as he was just a year and a half ago, when he needed to take care of my mother. He tires more easily, and forgets some things that he normally wouldn’t. My sister and I laugh in exasperation at the errands he sends us on; I get the mechanical things to fix or get fixed, she gets the routine bills and paperwork to go through (not that easy to do since the man saves every piece of junk mail for her to go over).

Two weeks ago I got him a super battery charger/starter/reconditioner because he seems to wander into the garage daily in search of things to do and promptly starts up the car, the mowers, and anything else he can find to make sure they’ll run when he needs them. He was starting the lawn tractor by jumping it off the car battery, and this scared me even though he assured me it was fine and it worked. After a miserable hour and a half of unsuccessful use of the new battery charger, I gave up, helped him hook up the jumper cables to the car, stood back and crossed my fingers and shut my eyes. In two seconds he had the tractor started.

Last week I bought my father a wheeled leaf blower, and this week I picked it up to bring it back to where I bought it because the rope pull is jammed. Last week I took the jack from his ’72 Olds Cutlass to fix because he pulled the top part off and we couldn’t get it back on. Neither could my husband. The guy at the garage got it back together by banging it a few times with a mallet but then pointed out that a piece was missing and that it wouldn’t work. I had asked my dad last week if that was the only jack he had because I remembered trying to replace a broken one for him years ago. When I gave him the sad news today that this jack was broken, he opened the trunk of the Olds and showed me another jack. One that worked.

I am not angry–as we go inside for lunch and a piece of chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting he has made especially for my visit. This is a man who up until a couple years ago always remembered to buy me a pomegranate as an extra special gift for all my birthdays. He hasn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t get to the supermarket any more and my husband has since taken over the pomegranate tradition.

I do not enter this post to cry over my frustrated attempts to help, nor my father’s needs. It is simply that I am being forced to face something I dread in the gradual loss of my dad. It’s hard to watch him slowly give up his independence to us, an independence fiercely held and taught to us as well. And, I must face something else. I have counseled others who did not have the benefit of a loving, sharing, spend-as-much-time-as-you-can-with-your-kids-even-if-it’s-burning-the-lawn-or-painting-the-house kind of father as I had, to accept the fact of their fathers not being their ideal, and forget about trying to make him into that ideal for the rest of their lives. Now, I must face that even my dad, who was as close to the ideal father that any kid could have, is changing and relying more on me. It is childish and selfish, but that is the irony of it. My father can bring out the child in me because of my respect for him and his wisdom. But this child that I am being now, is not the same child either. I must follow my own advice and accept that fact. It hurts. Maybe now I can better understand the pain of others.

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INTERACTIVE FICTION: Anchorhead

It is just before five a.m., and I have not gotten much further into Watchmen. I have gone back to IF Anchorhead—which is by Michael S. Gentry, first released in 1998 and now into its fifth, and found it through John Timmons’site and on from there.

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INTERACTIVE FICTION: Anchorhead

Via various links—I don’t remember how I got there, just as in IF itself, I have neglected to write it down but downloaded and bookmarked the spot—I reached what I think will be a most enjoyable piece of IF called Anchorhead by ( ) (this is where I have forgotten to first get the author’s name before writing this entry, but in going back to the downloaded version to check have come up with a “text buffer overflow” so I shall attempt to correct this post later). It is supposedly more in the gothic genre, one of my favorites (Edgar is practically dancing atop my desk at this remark) and has offered some difficulty in maneuvering without being frustrating. I will report more as I go along, but would like to hear from others who may have entered Anchorhead themselves.

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LITERATURE: Watchmen

It is 2:30 in the morning, and I still have not completed the reading for tomorrow’s class. The Watchmen is in comic book format, combining graphics and text. My problem is twofold. First, I expect there to be a heavy underlying meaning to this book, so I am distracted from the reading by constantly searching for this meaning so as not to appear an idiot when discussing the book. Second, I have never liked this format. Even as a child I didn’t like it, and chose the normal text format. Perhaps the effort required to read what is essentially just dialogue or character thoughts, then visually scan the images for the action (and in Watchmen, for “clues”) is beyond me, or just frustrating to my style of approaching literature. Probably the last bit of “literature” I have read in this format was MAD Magazine. These definitely required searching the graphics for bits of information or irony that was not harmonious with the ongoing plot of the text. Maybe it is just this “read, stop and look, read, stop and look” distraction that interrupts the flow that I find bothersome. In Contemporary Art as well as in Intro to Literature I was exposed to online visual art that included text as well as textual poetry that included background images. While I found some quite phenomenal and conceptually brilliant, I did not enjoy the format. I remember writing, “poetry is poetry and visual art is visual, why combine the two?” For me, text will evoke images created in the reader’s mind, and I am put off by having the image created for me. i.e., I may have imagined a protagonist as a redhead, and in being presented a blonde, am at odds with the story, as well as insulted by the author’s lack of faith in my ability to perceive for myself. Likewise, visual art presents a text that may be in conflict with one of the many perceptions of the image shown. This stuff isn’t new, so I can take comfort in the fact that it is not old-fashioned reluctance to accept what is new. However, it may be even worse. I may be stubborn to accept other than what I like to view or see. I shall, by 11:30 this morning, plow through the rest of the chapter of Watchmen, only because I have to, and hope that I may be enlightened by teacher and classmates as to its meaning and value so I can more easily involve myself in it from there.

I am either the worst possible student for a New Media Course, or present the best opportunity for conversion.

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