. Spinning .

Just read Creative Writing student, Christopher’s short story “The Hummingbird God” on his blog. (Available at http://www.coonce-ewing.com/writing/hummingbird.htm ) . Since he is open to critique (a most admirable quality in a writer) I would like to set down a few thoughts, in the hope that input is helpful, and that if I am on the wrong track, creative argument will ensue.
The story is convincing in its other-worldly placement, and well planned towards its building up to a climax that includes a successfully executed twist. My thought however was that it ran a bit too much on single dialogue from the first person narrator, and could have been helped by “humanizing” it a bit by description of what the people in the room were doing, rather than the narrator’s perception of them, i.e. “Their eyes widened a bit as I said this to them. It must have been due to the awe they were feeling, standing in
the presence of a god,” or “I could see the gleam in their eyes, the interest they had in me.” This is almost a case of telling rather than showing, although done from the first person protagonist’s POV rather than the author’s. I realize that this perception is vital to the
idea of being inside the head of a madwoman, but it doesn’t reality-base the situation as well as Chris is capable of presenting it. I think a more warming and real description of the scene would be less sterile and more likely to draw the reader into the scenario. And, although I’m an anti-pc person because I believe it’s just a polite veil of b.s. in the guise of equality (please, no comments on this personal viewpoint, it is just needed explanation for my critique), I don’t like the reference to all the people by ethnicity. Example: “Do you know the gods we worship?” a man of Indian decent, who looked to be their leader asked?” A viable alternate might be, “A small,dark haired man had been watching me intently all this time in the silent appraisal of one who was used to assuming leadership. He finally spoke.” Unless I’m missing the point by the line, “I don’t care about your gender or ethnicity. I am blind to such things.” which is in direct contrast to the narrator’s mental evaluation of the others as written. Another example of show, don’t tell is “I looked at their faces and saw them trying to puzzle through what they had just been told.” Whereby describing their actual reactions, i.e., “Two of them stared at me, their brows knitted into a questioning and laughable arc of worry, three furiously scribbled on the clean white tablets in front of them.”

Related action seems to be limited to turning and smiling, and the increased use of describing what is going on would both add to the reader’s ability to picture the situation, thus increasing his personal involvement in the story, and eliminate the necessity of the single character dialogue as well as depending upon him for telling us what is happening. We would begin to trust this character sooner, thereby enhancing our surprise at the turn of events.

I hope this is helpful and in line with other readers’opinions. Never said I was an expert—I could be way off base and would welcome rebuttal both from Christopher and other readers, as I believe that “The Hummingbird God” is very much worth pursuing.

I’ve been nagging and nagging students to write, start a weblog, offer comments, exchange ideas via blogging. But it’s not just students that need a push. Sometimes teachers do as well. Busy, busy, yes. Love teaching, yes. But sometimes you have to place a certain priority on your own literary efforts. I never did get to see that story you were going to send last year. And, I’m sure if you look hard enough, you can find that unpolished gem you wrote fifteen years ago.
Don’t worry about us so much—we’re still learning a wealth of knowledge from your efforts.

I printed out a hard copy of “A Seasonal Life” (Really have to come up with a better title—it’s starting to bug me) and think I have discovered my problem with the ending. I know the story sounded a bit too poetic in certain phrasing, and decided it may be prose, so I went to confirm my thoughts. Hot damn! Where is my old Intro to Lit book? Had to look this up on the internet. From the Columbia Encyclopedia:

brief prose fiction. The term covers a wide variety of narratives—from stories in which the main focus is on the course of events to studies of character, from the “short short” story to extended and complex narratives such as Thomas Mann’s Death in Venice. Most often the short story is restricted in character and situation and is concerned with creating a single, dynamic effect. Its length usually falls between 2,000 and 10,000 words. (The Columbia Encyclopedia, Sixth Edition. 2001.http://www.bartleby.com/65/sh/shortsto.html)

While I knew that I would be cutting out some of these phrases in editing (when the enchantment with the words wore off), I didn’t realize that it was severely limiting the conclusion. While it may be perfectly acceptable for the narrator to think in this style (I do, when I’m in a certain mood), it was the reason why dialogue is limited—normal conversation just doesn’t go this way. If my conclusion to the story is based upon a critical family confrontation, then it’s just not going to fit in—no way. Perhaps it’s best to start editing now, and that will either 1) flow naturally into my goal, or 2) maintain what is established and focus on action–how, not what is said, and the narrator’s perception of it, or 3)change the conclusion dramatically.

Note to Mr. E: Am I on the right track?

Wow. Another night, and still no earth-shattering climax. If I go with how I’m thinking, I’d be faking and there would be no satisfaction in it.

I am, of course, referring to the closure of “A Seasonal Life” but it obviously can be metaphorically represented as a sexual act. I’m hung up on an ending and it’s hard to break away from it and admit it just isn’t working and approach it from a different path. But the good news is that I’ve changed bad habits; in this case, just typing words regardless of my gut feeling—faking it—just to come to a conclusion and the bliss of release into resolution and an ending. I want to write well, not just be spitting out words that leave a reader feeling unfulfilled or worse, resentful and let down. Even though this story needs heavy editing, it has up to this point, I think, been building in a pattern leading somewhere. I need to clarify where that is.

Oh Tiffany, where are you now? You were so good at making up endings to other students’ stories, even when they were already written down. But what this student proved to me was that yes, no matter how pleased with himself an author may be, the reader who has really gotten interested enough in the narrative to this point is frustrated by a less than proper ending, whether it came inspirationally or was planned.

Okay gang, we’re finally at the climax and resolution with “A Seasonal Life” (Future editing, by the way, will most likely change this title but Windows Word forces us to name it something when it’s Saved.) Problem is, it begins and builds with dialogue which admittedly is both one of my finer points and very much absent in this particular story–this latter being for a purpose. However, dialogue has always started in my mind at odd moments, while I’m working perhaps, or ready to fall asleep, where it repeats itself a couple times until I feel that it is exactly the way it is supposed to go and must get it down in writing. It is not something I have ever been able to sit down and start writing cold. I can progress it in this manner, but definitely not begin the conversation by staring at the computer screen. So that’s the holdup with this story right now, unless I wake up at three this morning feeling brilliant.