STORIES: Firm Belief

"Let’s pretend, for discussion purposes," Jaworski said, "that at one time there was a God." 

The morning sun slid between the slatted blinds at the windows, striping the classroom with bars of iron grey in contrast to the bright slashes of light.  The professor turned back to face his students.  "What if there is some shred of truth in the theory, and the only difference between the scientific and the once held beliefs of centuries of theologians is the anthropomorphism of a cosmic bang?"

Jaworski eyed the rows.  Two young women in the first row looked at each other with eyebrows raised; this is what they’d heard happened in this class.  They giggled.  A few looked up at him expectantly; others were writing notes.  Of those that lounged against the back wall, sprawled in the sleep-deprived collegiate base of mediocre interest, only one stood out.  A male, dark-haired and neatly dressed.  He leaned forward on his desk, a pen poised on a copybook set at an angle before him, his attention fully on Professor Adam Jaworski.  A cool line of sweat gathered and ran down his back.  Maybe his luck would run out this semester.

Posted in STORIES | Comments Off on STORIES: Firm Belief

TECHNOLOGY: Piss-poor quality standards and Bill Gates

I’m really ticked off.  When I get really ticked off, I get pretty quiet; hence, little posting as well.

I’m still having problems with getting a brand new DVD player to work on the house computer (the laptop needed a stupid "workaround" that I think needs to be done each time) in either Windows Media Player or in the Nero Software that came with the Pioneer unit.

In Windows Media Player, I got the "lower your resolution and color" message, but no matter what I do, it still won’t play.  Seems it’s a problem of video codecs, but who the hell knows how to figure out which ones I need?  I downloaded a Windows program that should tell me, but it doesn’t.  Why, when it’s the latest version of the Player, and using Win XP, can’t they figure out how to get it to work with all the various video cards and codecs before they sell it?  This is why I’m pissed at Bill Gates, who–and I don’t begrudge him his money, actually admire him for being a self-made man, and don’t care how he spends his money–comes off like the greatest philanthropist by donating (tax-write-off) so much to the third world countries for AIDS research, and yet has come by that money by charging exorbitant price for software that doesn’t work.  Yep, that’s you and me paying the price, the middle-class average American worker who’s the real money behind the donations.  And, we don’t even get to feel good about it, despite not getting the credit for it, because it’s so damned frustrating to make the software work.

And the other thorn in my side today:  Nero is the packaged software with the DVD/CD WRW Pioneer player that’s supposed to make all these wonderful things happen.  It put about six icons on my desktop and took over a part of the toolbar.  But, can it play a DVD?

No.

It seems that you need to upgrade the software to the version that will allow all this to happen.  For a price of $79.95.

I really really really hate people today.

Posted in TECHNOLOGY | 3 Comments

TECHNOLOGY: Windows Media Player

Finally!  I’ve finally been able to sort of fix a problem running DVD’s on the computer. 

Over two months ago, in the middle of a presentation on Clockwork Orange for our now defunct writers group, the movie DVD quit working.  Got the audio fine, just a big black box for the video however.  All my work on setting this up and even a quick run-through that day had it working perfectly–until the presentation evening.

What may have happened in all the hoopla was an update to the latest version of Media Player 11, and its inherent problem with running certain files that the codecs weren’t disencoding.  A simple workaround offered by the Win KB didn’t work at the time, and I’ve been hunting for a solution since, downloading different possible fixes unsuccessfully.

When my nephew and his wife came over the weekend to show their wedding DVD, I even installed a new DVD player in the home computer.  Unfortunately, the same thing happened.  But he did mention that it hadn’t worked on certain other computers so I’ve spent most of the time this weekend sorting through info and returned to the original workaround suggested.  This time it worked, and while I missed seeing their video, I finally have Clockwork Orange working properly again.

Why, oh why, when they upgrade something in Windows does that have to mean it doesnt’ work right anymore?

Posted in TECHNOLOGY | Comments Off on TECHNOLOGY: Windows Media Player

REALITY?: Homebody

Hush…our first winter storm here in Connecticut, an inch of white that yet managed to lay upon the limbs and branches to make a wonderworld of winter.  And on the road, a good quarter inch of sand.

Open in the frameshop, yet working in the house as Susie Homemaker today.  For family visiting tomorrow, homemade ravioli (Italian piorogi) for lunch with salad, bread, and coffee tapioca pudding.

And yes of course; must clean the house of flour somehow trailed into all the rooms.

Posted in REALITY | 1 Comment

LITERATURE: The Handmaid’s Tale – Style

Ah, here is where Atwood comes up with language use that lures the reader back into a literary frame of mind, straight into the dangers of her world:

I can’t think of myself, my body, sometimes, without seeing the skeleton: how I must appear to an electron.  A cradle of life, made of bones; and within, hazards, warped proteins, bad crystals jagged as glass.  Women took medicines, pills, men prayed trees, cows at grass, all that souped-up piss flowed into rivers.  Not to mention the exploding atomic power plants, along the San Andreas fault, nobody’s fault, during the earthquakes, and the mutant strain of syphilis no mold could touch.  Some did it to themselves, had themselves tied shut with catgut or scarred with chemicals.  How could they, said Aunt Lydia, oh how could they have done such a thing?  Jezebels!  Scorning God’s gifts!  Wringing her hands.  (p. 112)

So here, in a paragraph, we find maybe not how, but what happened to change our future world that Atwood presents.  The fear of the population dying out, the abducting and training of some women who would serve as vessels, suitable for childbirth.  But without the free will to choose.  To choose when, or with whom.  And the possibility always there, that even if egg and sperm successfully meet, that a monster rather than a much needed human being may be the result.

Whew.  Kinda scary stuff.  And Atwood has laid out her web of workings in hints of the past amid the facts of the present (future) to finally hit us with what we’ve been thinking in much less hard-hitting terms.

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | Comments Off on LITERATURE: The Handmaid’s Tale – Style

REALITY?: Me Against the Medics

Finally remembered not to eat or drink coffee first thing in the morning so that I could go for a blood test where fasting was required.  It’s just a checkup to see if the drugs are working, but it’s three weeks past the date I was supposed to go in.  After fielding many calls from the cardiologist’s office, I dug up some courage and went in very early this morning.  Notes plastered all over the kitchen–Susan-no coffee!–particularly on the coffeemaker were honored. It is, remember, only quarter after five a.m.  (If I didn’t put my own name on the notes, dear husband who faithfully does most of what I tell him to do, would go coffeeless without ever questioning why.)

Why courage for a simple blood test?  Because there’s this thing I have about veins.  No one, not even me, touches veins in certain areas:  inside the arm, the wrist, behind the knee, or (and this one is decidedly strange) behind the ankle.  I can’t even think about these places. Do not laugh.  This whole thing has been with me since I was a kid and since I have no clue what started it, has been a backup argument for reincarnation.  Yes, if I slit my wrists, it was in another lifetime.

The wait wasn’t bad, only about ten people there when I walked in.  Registered, pulled out Atwood, and started reading the steamless sex scene this whole book has been building up towards.  There are two vampires today, and I’m hoping I get the nice grey-haired smiling lady instead of the grumpy young man who wasn’t real pleased with my antics last time.

"Susan."  Good, I get the nice lady.

Weather chat, pleasantries while I roll up my sleeve and she ties the rubber strap as expertly as an addict around my upper arm.  Then I drop the bomb.

"We have one little problem here," I say.  "You can’t take it from the usual spot."  I smile apologetically.

"No problem," she says, and proceeds to twist my arm face up.

"Uh, no…uh, sorry…not anywhere from the underside of my arm."  I’m squirming in the seat.

"Are you afraid of needles?" she asks kindly.

"No, not needles."

"Don’t worry, it won’t hurt."  She’s physically twisting my arm, trying to break my resistance.

"I don’t care about hurt.  I care about the veins."  I show her the lovely deep blue veins on the top of my hand, pulsing with blood.

"Can’t do those," she says.  She’s not as nice now as she was.  She taps the inside of my arm, at the elbow.  I fairly jump out of the chair, but find myself barricaded in.  I’m sweating.  I want to punch her and run.

I feel her fingertips on the side of my forearm.  "That’s okay, you’re on the side."

"No, I’ll be right in the middle.  Think of something else."

I jump away.

"You have to stay still," she warns. "I haven’t even gotten the needle ready yet."

"Give me my book," I gasp.  The nervous laugh has been replaced by a very real fear.  Or maybe not fear, but a skeevitz feeling that crumples me.

"Here."  She hands me Atwood out of my coatpocket.  I open it and start to read.  Twitch.  Read.  Twitch.  Her grip is one of steel on my arm, holding it straight out and vulnerable.  The rest of my limbs are writhing like pipecleaners jerked in and out of playful shapes by a sugar-high three year-old. 

"I won’t tell you when I do it, okay?" she says, "But you must stay still."

"I hear the step, quiet as MINE, the creakING of the SAME floorboard.  The door CLOSES BEhind me, with a little click, cutting the light.  I freeze; white was a MISTAKE.  I’m snow in moonlight, even in the dark."  (The Handmaid’s Tale, p. 98)  I’m shouting the words, breaking the stillness of the sterile room.

"There.  I’m done." she says, and asks me to hold the cottonball over the pinprick hole in my vein.  I do, but don’t look.  "Have a good day," she says cheerfully.

I stumble out the door as fast as jelly legs can carry me.

And who, I wonder, and how, will I ever get the little band-aid off that spot?

Posted in REALITY | 5 Comments

NEW MEDIA: Opposites

I think it was from Boethius’ Consolation of Philosophy that I remember the theory of opposites, that the good, to be truly good, must have an opposite of evil. 

In thinking this evening of the onslaught of digital visuals in our world, in particular, the television commercials that are using graphics instead of actors, it brings up the question of the complete replacement of reality, of man, of employment.  To have thought that even actors could be replaced by computers would have been a bit off the wall even as skilled workers lost their jobs on production lines, in accounting offices, and that last holdout–the voice on the telephone.  Now that voice calls you!

Bad?  Good?  Who knows what’s going to happen when a path is chosen?  In reading Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, the ‘new’ world is an exaggeration of a possibility brought up within the current situation.  In that case, it is the religious right, the fight for women’s rights that are carried to only one of the likely ends. 

What then, can imagination do with people who aren’t people?

Posted in NEW MEDIA | Comments Off on NEW MEDIA: Opposites

LITERATURE: The Handmaid’s Tale – Pace And Theme

A third of the way through, I find that we’ve only covered about three days in the present.  The backstory is in layers:  Offred’s past, just prior to this when she was "in training"; her life with her husband and daughter; her life prior to marriage; her life as a child. 

Seems like an awful lot of catching up to do, but it occurred to me that in science fiction of this sort, where the future is based upon a current society and environment familiar to the reader, it would be necessary to explain the changes, especially when we’re dropped into this new society so structurally different than our own.  We are made aware of a civil war in progress, but we wonder if a war brought about this society and its political theories, or if the war came about as a result of it.  Since the televised news seems to imply that "we" are fighting the "rebels," I’m assuming that at the very least, this society is being attacked by another in dissension.  To throw a monkey wrench in, Atwood has visitors from Japan wearing short skirts and being overly made up and sexy–totally against what Offred is showing us is her current reality.

Another thing that becomes obvious to me, is that the experience of the reader plays an integral part in this novel in particular.  It didn’t, for example, strike me as so very odd that the religious tone was set, the pious, the clothing Offred wears that is so very familiar to me in my Catholic upbringing.  Atwood is making a statement here, and my experience of her as a vocal feminist does shade the story.  Double-shades, perhaps; Atwood’s influence on the writing and my own take of Atwood, as well as this writing.

It still hits me as a bit strange, however, that a society would go so far backward in its thinking as to prohibit women from reading, and protect them so totally as to be oppressive.  I want to know what caused this topsy-turvy world.

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | Comments Off on LITERATURE: The Handmaid’s Tale – Pace And Theme

WRITING: The Unwriter

Trying on, these past few weeks, this new label, this clothing that is color-coded, as in Atwood’s Handmaid’s Tale. 

I’m not a writer.

It chafes, like recital costumes of tulle that I remember from my early school years.  It took so long to draw from all emotions, mental states, the words, I am a writer.  To myself, to others, it finally felt a natural thing to say.  A look-you-in-the-eyes statement, tempered by the slightest tremor of a smile.

What am I now?  Now that I am not a writer.  How long before, once again, I can look another in the eye?

Posted in WRITING | 2 Comments

LITERATURE: The Handmaid’s Tale – Style

First of all, the sci-fi element surprised me–being an Atwood novel.  But she (who I can’t help but say reminds me of Rhea Perlman [Carla on Cheers] ) has always played a bit with time and the lives of her characters. 

The writing’s a bit laborious, although it appears I’ve flown through forty pages without realizing it.  The protagonist, Offred (of Fred?), seems to be a designated childbearer in the world of the future.  But the writing, as I say, is all tell:

We turn the corner onto a main street, where there’s more traffic.  Cars go by, black most of them, some gray and brown.  There are other women with baskets, some in red, some in the dull green of the Marthas, some in the striped dresses, red and blue and greend and cheap and skimpy, that mark the omen of the poorer men.  Econowives, they’re alled.  These women are not divided into functions.  They have to do everything; if they can.  Sometimes, there is a woman all in black, a widow.  There used to be more of them, but they seem to be diminishing.  You don’t see the Commandeers’ Wives on the sidewalks.  Only in cars.  (p. 24)

I used to read a lot of science ficture and a bit of fantasy, but one thing that strikes me here is the specific social status of the populace.  This seems a common trend in stories about a future world and I wonder about it; it being so in conflict with our centuries of gearing towards a world where all are equal.  Is it a throwback to our past?  What makes the author dream up a world where this division becomes the norm?   

In Atwood’s novel there are Marthas, Angels, Aunts, Wives, Handmaids, Guardians, Commandeers, etc.  There are uniforms.  There are the oppressors and the oppressed.  Can we not dream up new evils for mankind but instead, must reach into our past?

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | 2 Comments

REALITY?: Changing Directions

Never been one to put stock in New Year’s resolutions, but using it as a mandate, a plot plan, can be helpful in breaking away from habits that aren’t necessarily bad, but as time grows short, wasteful.

Cutting back on the writing.  It’s just not good enough.  I’ve already pulled away from a writing group.  Might seek out another one, but more likely, I’ll just ease out of the image.

A book will be as much in constant reach as my laptop. 

The laptop will start reflecting on itself; it’s got some great stuff inside it’s never really had a chance to explore.

While I’ll still write when the mood hits, I’m going to cook, bake, create new things.

I’ll finally pick out a pattern, any pattern and begin to knit that sweater.  Yes, I’m going to knit.  At least there’s something enduring produced from the effort.

And sew; I’m going to recover the couch, make those drapes, and maybe start working on another quilt.  I’ve sewn since I was about eight years old, a third generation seamstress.

I’m going to concentrate on things that please me, and people who do the same.  And I’m going to do my best to make them happy.

Closing doors, digging new tunnels.

Posted in REALITY | 3 Comments

LITERATURE: Up Next – The Handmaid’s Tale

Tough decision–what to read next.  But with about 150 books on the shelf, all now nice and neatly alphabetized by author, it’s quite a delight to be able to browse and pull out what strikes me.

There are quite a few Hemingways to read, and some others like The French Lieutenant’s Woman or Passage to India and so many more have been calling out to me.  But Atwood won my attention for several reasons; I like her work, I have a few of her books on the shelf, and I’ve been intrigued by the generally great reviews The Handmaid’s Tale seems to have accumulated.

So that, while still pushing through Barthes, Hypertext, and Ethics, is what’s open on the table right now.

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | Comments Off on LITERATURE: Up Next – The Handmaid’s Tale

LITERATURE: On The Road – Finale

Reading paced along with Dean’s rush cross country, and we end up in Mexico, and with a clearer view of Dean although I still don’t feel my perception of Sal Paradise is complete.

Sal does find love back in the East; Dean’s brain is fried, and Kerouac let’s us wonder what becomes of the two after these crazy years spent moving.  For I think the act of moving is more important than the country covered or the people met.  Dean is one of those people you want to like you.  He’s charismatic and yet repulsive in his devil-may-care audacity.  He lives for himself, to experience whatever he wants.  He’s fascinating because he doesn’t follow the rules and has learned how to get away with it.  He doesn’t care what people think of him in general, but he does depend strongly on his own charm to hold onto the friends that help him through his life.  He’s a winner; he’s a loser.  It all depends upon where you are at at the time.

Another thing that made me react perhaps a bit priggishly to this is that having just recently read A Clockwork Orange, I’m not real sympathetic to youth who uses that wondrous natural power of the age itself to destruction and harm in selfish motive.

I’ve made many comments about Kerouac’s writing style, and while of course it’s better than a lot of other novels I’ve read, I don’t find it particularly well styled or skilled.  It’s either genius at making us think he didn’t care enough to write it better, or he simply didn’t bother to do so.  As mentioned, it’s almost a conversation with a pothead when you’re straight; it just won’t have the same impact.

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | Comments Off on LITERATURE: On The Road – Finale

LITERATURE: On The Road – Theme

Obviously the theme here is the road unraveling before them, offering directions, paths, choices, blah, blah, blah. And here is one of the damned few references to Sal Paradise’s purpose of taking this physical road trip:

I took up a conversation with a gorgeous country girl wearing a low-cut cotton blouse that displayed the beautiful sun-tan on her breast tops.  She was dull.  She spoke of evenings in the country making popcorn on the porch.  Once this would have gladdened my heart but because her heart was not glad when she said it I knew there was nothing in it but the idea of what one should do.  "And what else do you do for fun?"  I tried to bring up boy friends and sex.  Her great dark eyes surveyed me with emptiness and a kind of chagrin that reached back generations and generations in her blood from not having done what was crying to be done–whatever it was, and everybody knows what it was.  "What do you want out of life?" I wanted to take her and wring it out of her.  She didn’t have the slightest idea what she wanted.  She mumbled of jobs, movies, going to her grandmother’s for the summer, wishing she could go to New York and visit the Roxy, what kind of outfit she would wear…

(…) "What does your brother do on a summer’s night?"  He rides around on his bicycle, he hangs out in front of the soda fountain.  "What is he aching to do?  What are we all aching to do?"  What do we want?"  She didn’t know.  She yawned.  She was sleepy.  It was too much.  Nobody could tell.  Nobody would ever tell.  It was all over.  She was eighteen and most lovely, and lost.  (p. 228)

Yeah, as opposed to our hero who rides back and forth cross country up and down, with stolen gas to fume somebody else’s doomed-to-destruction car, and welched food, and drunken days.  Now there’s a plan.

I’m just not getting the driving force (besides the madman Dean at 110 mph) behind even our main character.  I’m not convinced of his need to find something as much as his boredom and his wish to hitch his wagon for a while to the wild ride that Dean provides.

The only other strong influence I see within this book about a writer is his understanding of the story told by music.  This is where the prose becomes most realistic in impossible attempts to put it into words.  And even here, the feeling is a cliche: the middle-class white boy dream of being poor and black and possessing a soul.

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | Comments Off on LITERATURE: On The Road – Theme

LITERATURE: On The Road – Writing Style

A couple things I’m noticing with Kerouac:  If I go to copy and type out an excerpt I cannot remember the short grouping of words accurately, and find myself "rewriting" what he’s written.  Odd, because in all the posts of show and tell on other authors I’ve been able to carry the phrase, sentence, whatever, complete with author’s punctuation, from reading to typing in that brief moment of read, look up and type.  (I’m usually on the couch with the laptop and trying to keep the book open in that position–and distance from my middle-aged eyes–doesn’t always work.)  This would seem to indicate that my use of language is very different than this particular author’s.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that the story is told in a way reminiscent of…well…someone on pot.  It’s that big buildup, the giggling, the importance of nothing that smokers employ.  I’ve once had an hour-long conversation with two people about the eraser on a pencil.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t high so I wasn’t quite getting the obvious import of this discovery of which the others were so thoroughly convinced.

Kerouac’s like that.  Many of his related escapades leave me either a) intimidated, or thinking b) Yeah, so?

Posted in LITERATURE | Tagged | Comments Off on LITERATURE: On The Road – Writing Style